Another day of uncertainty. Josh came over after attending an AA meeting and promptly went to sleep on the sofa. This was somewhat upsetting to the kids, because they have this fantasy that suddenly he’s going to be this perfect person that wants to play and hang out and have fun with them.
He woke up after an hour or two and occasionally wandered over to check out something one of the boys wanted to show him. Then he told them he was going to take them to the park, because of the major bust the day before. They were gone slightly less than an hour, including the walk (maybe 15 minutes each way). As soon as they got back Josh said he needed to go back to the halfway house to do some things.
I think this easing into things is going to be hard. On our side we are just living life, the same as always. We have our routines, some days we just want to chill out at home. Josh has been gone for a long time. At the recovery home they had schedules and routines, chores and whatnot, but it was pretty much just about number one. Before he went up there, he hadn’t been living with us for six months, and he’d been pretty much checked out for a year before that.
Sometimes I wonder if he even really wants us. I think the idea of us is nice, but the reality of family life – taking kids to school, sports practices, doctor’s appointments – is boring. Everything has taken its toll on the boys and they act out a lot, whine, yell; they don’t know how to handle all of the emotions and feelings, and they are freaked out. The last couple of years have DEFINITELY affected me and I am depressed, stressed, constantly on edge, and I don’t trust my husband. I’m probably not the most fun to be around right now, because he wants me to just say, “Ok, you’ve done this and now things are fine!” but it doesn’t work that way.
We’ll see how things go. Josh told Stevie that he’d pick him up from school tomorrow, which made Stevie so happy. I worry, because one of the biggest issues last year was that Josh would say he was going to do something and rarely ever followed through. I lost track of how many times the boys and I were left sitting around waiting… for hours sometimes. Always waiting, disappointed. Trips to amusement parks canceled at the last minute, date nights, movies, theater tickets wasted, school events with an empty seat in the audience… too many times. It’s time to make up for that.