This morning I woke up and saw that around 5:45AM Josh had called and left a voice mail on my phone. He said he’d been in an accident; he’d been sleeping in his car and it had somehow rolled down a hill. I tried to call him back, but his phone went straight to voicemail. I loaded up the “Find My iPhone” app which said that all devices were offline and therefore could not be located. I was freaking out, trying to call Josh’s dad, looking for information.
A little while later I got a call from a random 800 number. My first experience with, “You are receiving a call from an inmate at XYZ jail. Your call is going to be recorded.” Yup, he’s in jail for DUI. He was sleeping in his car (because apparently he got kicked out of the sober living place day before yesterday) near his father’s house and he somehow bumped the emergency brake, causing his car to roll down a hill and into someone’s driveway, where it hit their car. The police were called and he blew a .07 on the breathalyzer. That’s below the legal limit of .08, however he had caused an accident so he was booked on DUI.
We have decided not to bail him out. He needs to really see the consequences of his decisions, needs to appreciate at least a little bit of what it might be like if he doesn’t stop, if he drives drunk and causes a more serious accident. He is not happy but hopefully this little “scared straight” experience will help him figure out what he really wants.
As for me, I am adrift. I told him that this was the last time we were going to do this. I know I need to follow through, but I just hate all of this! I don’t want to get a divorce! I don’t want to be 36-year-old single mom! I don’t want to have to worry about visitation and dividing up our stuff and who will be where on holidays. I am a steadfast sort of person. I really meant it when I said “for better or for worse” and I am a fighter. I have been fighting hard for two years.
I know this is not good for me, and I really know it is not good for my children. I just want them to be happy and I am scared of what all of this will mean for them. My biggest fear is having to tell them their dad is dead. Last year I had to tell them their grandmother had died, and that was one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do. Stevie has suffered from depression ever since. I feel like Josh is headed that way, though.
My brain is spinning and I can hardly keep my thoughts straight. I’m sure I will reread this later and be horrified, but I can’t focus on sentence structure and grammar right now. Oh well!